Since the recent death of the Ronaldo’s infant son has been in the news, I wanted to share how people’s reactions helped or hindered my own experience of my infant son Victor’s death many years ago. Here are some ideas to support parents who have lost a baby.
The loss of a child feels out of the natural order of things and sometimes people react from a place of stubbornly wanting to believe in an orderly world. Yet the age of the child who dies is not a mitigating factor. A child’s death is no less shocking or painful if it is only hours old or several years old.
Don’t minimise the loss by imagining that something worse was avoided
Simply focus on the situation as it is for that person and allow them to grieve without having to shoulder the extra burden of politely smiling through well-meaning but insensitive comments such as:
“It’s better this way.”
No. WTF? Just no. It isn’t. Keep your opinions to yourself and follow the lead of the bereaved.
“God wanted another angel up in heaven.”
Don’t play God, and don’t presume to know what the Divine plan might look like.
“How could this happen to You?!”
Life happens. None of us are spared suffering in some form.
Avoid relativising the loss
It’s impossible to quantify the value of a human life or the relationship another person has with somebody. Human beings are not interchangeable. The fact that one loses one child but still has another or several more does not make up for the loss.
Not only is the fact that someone has other children or a surviving twin not a consolation, it can actually be a hurdle to fully grieving the loss of the child. Continuing childcare obligations, especially in families where there is little outside support, often mean that the grieving has to be set aside or minimised as the parents care for the rest of the family.
How to support grieving parents
What helped a lot for me was receiving meals, in my case left anonymously at the door with a kind note reading “Thinking of you and your family “, as well as concrete, sincere, and specific offers of help (“I can pick up your kids tomorrow afternoon to play in the park” is much more helpful than a vague and insincere “Let me know if I can do anything”).
If you’re not comfortable with someone else’s grieving you could just say “I’m thinking of you” or “Sending you my condolences / much love” – it’s short and sweet, and allows the grieving person to move on without having to take on the burden of your own emotional state.
If you’re close to the bereaved, let them speak openly about the situation and talk about the baby without deflecting or changing the subject. Ask open-ended questions and be prepared to simply let the person cry – listen without trying to “fix” the situation.
Aside from my personal experience with the loss of a baby, I also have decades of counseling experience. I’m here for you and your loved ones if you need support – schedule a session here.
